hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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