i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
