WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize