I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
