Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
