I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize