If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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