its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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