hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
