I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
