I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize