Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
