so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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