I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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