it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
