Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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