were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
