Pappa wants mamma naked
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
