Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
