How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
