everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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