Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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