The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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