Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Come see our sink grown plant.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
