I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
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