Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
