Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
