My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
