I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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