It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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