she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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