Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
