fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
