I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
