I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
