yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
