i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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