who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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