Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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