so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
