oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Where did you get a picture of my penis
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
