I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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