I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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