insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
