my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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