College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
