Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
