the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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