you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
