Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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