I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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