I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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