I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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