The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
