$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
