i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
